What’s the day after Mother’s Day?

Mother’s Day…because once you are a mother…you are always a Mother.

One year ago I had no voice.

Today I am honored and grateful to be able to release the first episode of “UCSF Heart Sounds” a new podcast series produced by Dying To Talk. (Clicking the image below will take you to the podcast’s show page where you can learn more and listen).

I’ve spent many months healing. Relearning how to make sounds so as not to cause pain or re-injury. Learning to find my voice benefits from skilled guidance. (I am ever grateful for my speech therapist, Zoe). Vocalizations become stronger and more intentional with practice.

So in honor of this inaugural release I have created a PSA¹ installment intentionally focused on all Mothers² who have not been given voice this Mother’s Day. Dr. Laura Deering’s story is an act of courage and a gift of Love³.

When a child dies⁴ a relationship between Mother and child is forced to transform. This is different than the relationship coming to an end.

Once a Mother…always a Mother.

Yet, Mother’s Day (as Society at large has conceived of it—pun not intended) has yet to find a way to honor the reality of these transformed relationship. Is it possible to explicitly name—give voice to the relationships we have silenced out of fear of causing more pain?

I have searched for a noun…initially by writing a poem to help me fathom the unfathomable.

Shedding

An invented word

         (aren’t they all--)

         to fill the void of

speechless silence

Black sheaths shroud

         faltering footsteps

         of Widows

wife’s soul shadow, tread-less now

Lost tears in eye-filled

         fears

         of Orphans 

children’s shelter vanishing, tilt like hollowed pillars 

But what of Mother

         now

without son—

still Mother?

How to crack the code of

absent presence

forever present

infinite vacancy filled to capacity

What word can explicate a

   heaving hole

bursting

with emptiness

She walks to what she knows

embraces what she can

Unzips the suit of motherhood

and leaves it as a boa would—

cast amongst the jungle floor

skin unmistakably her own

         no longer fits

I have wondered for 8 years, 3 months and 6 days⁵, if a noun existed, would it change things? Could giving voice in a champagne toast to Mothers Of Transformed Relationships⁶ ever be received with the Love intended?

I don’t know. Yet I suspect far too many of you do know. Perhaps we begin by giving voice to their names….

Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a Mother. I am so glad you are HERE.

1. Public Service Announcement. Please see the on that started it all, Mother’s Day Wish.

2. As it is the day after Mother’s Day, I am using this noun. Additional nouns, such as Grandmother/Father/Grandfather/Uncle or Aunt/Cousin and Friend can also be utilized.

3. The injury of grief is not isolated to Mother’s as this episode highlights. Strictly for the sake of the PSA, this is the portion of the story upon which I am focusing.

4. Relationships form the moment a Mother is aware of a child. For many, this includes before birth such that if a child is not able to live outside the uterus for whatever reason, this is no way precludes the existence of a relationship.

5. Shedding was originally written for my brother-from-another-mother on February 9. 2015. The day his son, Spike, died. The gendered terms have been re-contextualized specifically for this PSA.

6. MOTR or Vilomah or what word would you or have you used? Please share in the comments so we can all learn together.